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Mr B&B used to be called Mr Mutual. But he did not like his old name. Everyone kept laughing at him. They would point fingers and call him a “provincial”. Whatever that was. So he changed name by deed poll in 2000.

Now, this story is about the time Mr B&B trusted co-worker Mr Spliff, the IT manager.

One day Mr Spliff, smoking a natural product, gave Mr B&B some papers with old numbers "Here, man".

“Thanks Mr Spliff. These look alright” Mr B&B said “After lunch I’ll go and show them to everyone”. So after a long lunch he set off to see everyone.

“Hello, everyone” he said when he arrived “as you can see from these numbers everything is fine.”

But everyone became quite cross. They said Mr B&B should fetch some cash from Mr Impossible Banker. So Mr B&B went to see Mr Impossible Banker.

“Hello Mr Impossible Banker” said Mr B&B “Why are you called ‘Impossible’? Can you do impossible things?”

“Haven’t come across anything yet I couldn’t do” said Mr Impossible Banker, modestly.

“How marvellous” said Mr B&B “May I have some money, please?”

“Of course! Let me see what I can do” said Mr Impossible Banker as he picked up his Blackberry.

Mr Impossible Banker knew a lot of people.

“It’s all arranged and guaranteed” Mr Impossible Banker smirked a short while later “And it will only cost you £9m – I’m robbing myself!”

“Wonderful!” said Mr B&B “Just wait till I tell everyone!”

“Do” said Mr Impossible Banker “Isn’t this better than being your old sleepy Mr Mutual self?”

“Oh, yes!” said Mr B&B “What fun! I just did a deal!”

Just then Tamjee the Turtle eased up next to Mr B&B. Tamjee worked for Mr Spliff.

“Why, hello, Tamjee” said Mr B&B “Have you met Mr Impossible Banker?”

“Yo” breathed Tamjee.

“What’s that you have?” said Mr B&B

“New numbers” said Tamjee slowly

Mr B&B took them “I hope they are good. Are they jolly good?” he asked

“Dunno” said Tamjee.

“Will there be more coming soon?” asked Mr B&B.

“Dunno” said Tamjee

“When will you know” asked Mr B&B

“Dunno” said Tamjee distractedly as he slowly ambled off.

Tamjee was a Turtle of very few words.

Mr B&B showed Mr Impossible Banker the new numbers. Mr Impossible Banker went pale.

“Are you feeling alright, Mr Impossible Banker?” asked Mr B&B “Whatever is the matter?”

“Give back some of that money!” snarled Mr Impossible Banker

“Of…of course – but I thought it was guaranteed” trembled Mr B&B

“And now you owe £37m too” snapped Mr Impossible Banker ignoring the word ‘guaranteed’.

“But, but…how can that be?” moaned Mr B&B “Isn’t that impossible?”

Mr Impossible Banker laughed “I told you I could do anything” as he sped off in his new £110,000 Alfa Romeo 8C Competizione.

“Oh well” coughed Mr B&B in the dust left by the Alfa “At least all’s well that ends well” as he traipsed off to give everyone the news.

“Hello again everyone!” he said when he got there “I’ve got the cash – isn’t it wonderful?”

But everyone became very, very cross for some reason and began abusing him with naughty words.

It was a very sad Mr B&B who got home much later that evening.

He had to face the fact that his life as Mr Mutual really had not been that bad. Maybe he was not cut out for this stock market malarkey after all.


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