Debts forgiven!  

In a scene reminiscent of the "adult toy" revenge scene from the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo the LulzSec hacker group declare their frustration with the rigidity of personal debt obligations that, they claim, hinder corporate investment in higher speed internet gaming infrastructure (“no one will be able to afford it if they build it”).   

They launch a massive and coordinated hack of retail bank computer networks across the globe erasing household mortgage records (taking the time to digitally tattoo the word "Occupied" in all data fields) and thereby inadvertently solve a hitherto intractable piece of the global debt crisis. Until, that is, lenders restore their Fukushima-proof backup catastrophe storage systems and put Mummy and Daddy back on the debt hook.

Other natural substances overlooked

Finding the “tough love” message falling, inexplicably, on stony ground Mitt "Ten Grand" Romney hires the marketing geniuses behind Rennie heartburn medicine (“turns excess stomach acid into water and to other natural substances”) to sell the austerity/debt acid message ahead of the November election. 

Incumbent President Obama, considered by many to have long drawn a veil over the “other natural substances” piece of the equation, takes a leaf from web spam methods instead with a  blitz campaign of TV spots: “Solve your debt issues quick – and in all cases just after 6 November, 2012”; “Get ready for new economic feats – shortly after November 6, 2012”; “Do you wish to have the best growth of your life starting from 7 November, 2012?”

HMRC to promise transparency invisibility on tax deals

A stunning 11th hour inclusion in the 2012 London summer Olympics of the popular but misunderstood sport of Corporate Tax Avoidance causes confusion when the United Kingdom's collector of taxes, HM Revenue & Customs, instead of arbitrating, enters as a contestant alongside such renown unofficial underground champions as Goldman Sachs, Vodafone and Google.

All entrants withdraw when it becomes clear that the last time pure gold was used to make Olympic winners’ medals was in 1912.

It subsequently emerges that Goldman had hedged such a result by, first, persuading Lord Coe of the 2012 Olympic Organising Committee to write Event Default Swaps as a 'riskless' source of revenue and, second, then buying up the entire contract inventory.

Thank you, China - and we mean it this time

In a remarkable show of Sino-love both the US Senate and Congress pass the “Renmimbi Manipulation Appreciation Act” officially congratulating the Chinese government for its foresight in, to quote Senator Lindsey Graham interviewed from his seaside villa in Hainan (so much more affordable than Myrtle Beach), “getting the balance right between stealing our jobs, creating  massive trade-surpluses for China and then letting the renmimbi rise strongly for 2 years to levels where acquisition of our assets became a viable proposition”. 

House guest ECB President Mario “Brothers” Draghi joked (well, at least a smile was on his face) that China “should not forget to also take a look at the Euro banking system for even more overpriced asset deals”.

Pouring the drinks, China’s President Hu Jintao confesses that his country has indeed been manipulating the renminbi but that he was gratified everything worked out for the common good just like Alan Greenspan said it would.

Economic Holy Grail found! Maybe...
11. Thou shall buy clothes and consumer electronics
In a long and desperately awaited development, Large Hadron Collider (LHC) economists move tantalizingly closer to detecting the elusive “God’s Work Particle”. 

Formally named the Asett20(bub)12 particle it is of the mysterious “boson” type considered by incumbent policymakers key to underpinning capitalism by uniting the “capital” quark and its antiquark, "labour". The multi trillion dollar LHC was conceived to recreate the conditions immediately before the 2001 Tech Wreck and the 2009 Great Recession. 

Conclusive evidence of the Asett20(bub)12 particle’s existence is expected, once again, to be prematurely announced by the IMF in July.

(Happy New Year! )

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