Side view of the Lehman balance sheet

The world’s most powerful balance sheet smasher was set in motion for the first time Wednesday morning at the start of an experiment designed to unlock the secrets of the investment bank accounting universe.

Muted applause and limited relief greeted the first crucial announcement of a complete gamut of ‘initiatives’ made at close to the speed of light around a 27m teleconference table built deep under Lehman Brothers headquarters in New York.

After some “small presentational problems” overnight involving misinformation out of South Korea, the start-up of the Large Fuld Collider (LFC) went without a hitch mainly due to the fact that analysts had to wait to propel their questions around the conference call circuit – a piece of engineering designed to control temperatures expected to exceed the interior of a hot furnace.

The next step, which may come as early as this afternoon, will be those very questions, expected to send a beam in the opposite direction to the LFC, paving the way in the next few weeks for the first collisions of the two opposing beams.

By smashing the proton beams together, analysts and onlookers at the Fuld Nervous Algorithm experiment, known by its acronym FUNERAL, plan to examine at sub-atomic level the intense energies spent by Lehman building its shaky balance sheet edifice a millionth of a second after the “Too Big to Fail” signal that gave birth to our subprime universe some years ago.

Cathedral-sized detectors have been built to capture any traces of bullshit that emerge from those collisions, putting existing theories to the test and perhaps revealing new dark holes or hidden liabilities of space and time.

“The LFC is a discovery machine. We don’t know what we’ll find,” says Mr Fuld, caretaker of Lehman Brothers pending its new form. Whatever that might be.

Related links:
Lehman losses $3.9bn in third quarter

NB: Original genuine piece on the CERN atom smasher spoofed herein can be read at this link.

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